It’s Friday afternoon. Hmmmm. What sounds like something fun to do. Why – how about respond to an obnoxious defense lawyer letter. Notice the operative word here. Not what do I have to do. Or what am I angry about. But what’s a fun way to end the week.

There is something super satisfying about fencing with a ponderously grumpy opponent.

For starters – what is it about defense lawyers who have staff email letters about things that should just be an email. Why do they do that. Do they get to charge a minimum of .5 for drafting a letter versus .1 for an email. Is that’s what it’s about. Or is it because they like to strut the impressiveness of their firm logo and pre-printed e signature. I don’t get it.

In any event, the lawyer here – let’s call him “B”. Has his Executive Legal Assistant email the letter: “Please see the attached correspondence from B.” And by the way what exactly is the difference between an Executive Legal Assistant versus a regular one. Does that mean she is more than a Legal Assistant but less than a Paralegal. It is all so confusing.

Anyway bottom line – it is an obnoxious letter. Written from the perch of a high and mighty. Sneering as he scolds those below. So I respond. By email.

B – regarding your May 12 letter email –

 Interesting.

 Yes, we know blah blah

We also know blah blah

Further, you know that blah blah.

We do not care if you want to take all of our expert depositions – please be our guest.  We feel no need to block you from discovery via limiting the number of depositions to be taken.  That said – our experts have lives outside of this lawsuit so your proclamation and threat that depositions must be noted this very second is not being taken seriously. 

Yes – if you want to take the depositions of S, B, H, H, K, P, F, D and S– we will make arrangements.  You have not offered any dates other than threatening that you will set them in June if we don’t hurry up.  Since you are apparently available that entire month we will assume that any date they are available in conjunction with plaintiff counsel –will work for you.  If we are wrong in that assumption – then we request that you first provide us the specific dates that you and all covering defense counsel are available so that we can check our expert’s availability against yours.  We do not want to provide you with a date and then be told you, the other two defense counsel cannot make that date work.   Once you respond to this scheduling protocol issue so that we can all be on the same page, we will begin contacting the experts.

I’m not sure what you are trying to communicate in your next paragraph.  You want to bring a motion in limine – nothing is preventing that.  We will bring motions in limine as well.  This is how things are done.   Is there some other reason you are talking about motions three months before our briefs are due.

And did I say our experts will prove corporate fraud – or did I just say that your clients have engaged in corporate fraud [I’m sure you’ll brush up on those technical nuances as you prepare for their depositions].  Trust that I am not being subtle in communicating with you.  If I say something, consider it said – not “suggested.”  I’m also not inclined to help you figure out how to file defensive motions so you will need to figure out the rest of that on your own.

Finally, as always we remain transfixed by your misdirected tendency to lecture us as if we are willing students.    We are not. 

B – the best way to move forward on this case is for you to actively participate in it.  You have been largely absent from the litigation.  Only occasioning popping up to throw legal tantrums and make uncompromising demands.  Consider picking up the phone.  Send a nice note instead of throwing a spear when you begin to worry about things like needing to work up the case.  The other defense lawyers and the plaintiff team have been able to avoid significant discovery motion practice and get along just fine.  I invite you to join the party.

 Have a good weekend,

 Hit send. Go for a run.

photo: Grandbaby Hammer.