Happy Saint Paddy’s Day, dear readers! This year, the holiday where everyone is Irish falls at the tail end of Spring Break, so expect many dumb college kids puking in the streets of every destination town you can find. Worry not, you can still celebrate Saint Paddy’s in peaceful merriment.
We celebrate Saint Paddy’s day around these parts pretty much every day, depending on the mood, but today is a great day to reconnect with half my roots. My family’s half Scottish, half Irish, so we get all of the good traits from both lands without the desire to wear kilts.*
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Anyway, the first tip to having a great St. Paddy’s is to remember that “Paddy” is a derivative of the Irish “Padraig,” which is where we get the name “Patrick.” So when you’re out wishing someone a blessed day of merriment, keep in mind “Patty” is a girl’s name and will get you laughed out of many reputable establishments.
Never drink green beer. Any place offering it is serving watery horse piss dyed with food coloring. If you partake of any brews, Guinness is a suitable option, or go for a Black and Tan by adding some Harp lager to your beverage.
If you see anyone drinking Irish Car Bombs today they’re probably either college kids or law school students. Do not engage them under any circumstances.
A good Irish whiskey is an ideal libation for today’s festivities. I personally prefer Bushmills, but there’s plenty of variety out there if you have a look.
People will be out in full force wearing green. Feel free to join them, but don’t engage in the tradition of pinching people who aren’t wearing any visible green colored clothing. It’s a good way to get the shit slapped out of you.
Now let’s talk about the proper music. You need a good mix of songs made for singing at the top of your lungs while three sheets to the wind. If the band is Irish like the Dubliners, then you’re all set.
This is the one time of year listening to House of Pain is acceptable, so don’t go for the low hanging fruit. “Jump Around” was great thirty years ago. Everyone who goes the House of Pain route for their holiday tunes will probably go with “Shamrocks and Shenanigans” because of the obvious nod to the day.
Don’t be that person. There’s an under-appreciated gem called “Top O’ The Morning To Ya.” that is perfect for tossing a couple back at the pub before playing darts. Give it a spin this year and see if you’re not a fan. As my sainted mother used to tell me, “You’re not going to fall over and die just by trying it once.”
Another suitable selection more in the rock category is anything by Ty Stone. His music graces the two “Boondock Saints” movies and it kicks all kinds of ass.
If you’re going to listen to “Whisky In The Jar” there’s only one suitable track and it’s Metallica’s cover from their “Garage Days” album. I don’t make these rules but I’m pretty sure that’s a federal law or something.**
Your choices for cinematic entertainment are going to be tricky this year. Someone might tell you to watch “The Banshees of Insherin” because it’s got a bunch of Irish actors and it takes place in Ireland. What a bunch of bullshit. Look, there’s one good movie everyone can agree on and it’s “The Boondock Saints.” Not only does it take place on St. Paddy’s, it features the McManus Brothers, who I’ve previously argued should be the patron saints of the criminal justice system.
After all, there’s nothing that says “due process” better than two Irish brothers who say a prayer before putting two in the back of a mobster’s head, right? Right??
Finally, make sure if you drink, you drink responsibly. Someone recently did a calculation about how many people are going to puke and the amount on this wondrous day and came up with these numbers: over 4.8 million drinkers will churn up 612,238 gallons of puke. That’s enough to fill an Olympic swimming pool to a depth of six feet.
Don’t be in that number. Take it slow, drink plenty of water, and you’ll be in the clear.
With that, I bid all of you a wondrous holiday. I’m off to go celebrate. Here’s to a great weekend and remember: no matter how bad your week was, at least you’re not going to be in the millions of others heaving up a technicolor yawn today!
Unless that’s somehow your thing. We don’t judge here.***
See you next week, everyone!
*Ed. Note: If you’re going to wear a kilt, it should be Black Watch. Trust me on this.
**Ed. Note: No. Just no.
***Ed. Note: Who is this “we” of which you speak?