He’s cute. At least he was. He’s smart, witty and all your friends said he was a “catch.”

You met in law school, business school, trade school, whatever. And you were instantly attracted to one another. To sum up, you “clicked.”

Twenty years later, you are still together. You still enjoy each other and your friends and family like you as a “couple.” What never has clicked is the lifestyle. You shop at Marshalls or Target and drive a Hyundai Sonata. He can be found at Brooks Brothers and you have messages on your phone that he’s two payments overdue with the Mercedes AMG.

I saw a recent article where the wife in that relationship described how she “managed” her way in a world where all cylinders fire in order except fiscal ones. Yes, there are ways to manage the pain over the short run. Separate bank accounts and separate tax returns are the off the shelf remedies for this condition. It goes without saying that separate debt arrangements are also required although that’s a challenge when you want to acquire a house.

It can work. But, when it doesn’t the prudent spouse will face a world of financial hurt despite best efforts to keep things separate. In a word, there are two worlds of divorce. Community property prevails in nine states (mostly south and west) while equitable distribution is the property division mechanism in the other 41 plus D.C. In community property states, the assets are divided equally without any real discussion. In equitable distribution states there are “factors” to be considered. You may not like the factors or their application but that’s the law.

Recall first and foremost; fault is pretty much irrelevant in the property world. So, the fact that you save 20% of your income while you have learned that he is trysting with the woman in the slip next to the boat he bought last year has no relevance at all in divorce. None.

The fact that you never liked the boat or the couple with the boat next to yours is annoying to say the least. The fact that the boat cost $80,000, is worth $65,000 and has $60,000 still due is a joint problem even though the Minnow is not in your name nor is the debt.

Now, you’re meeting with the divorce lawyer. That man or woman was not on your bucket list of people to meet, but your husband’s relationship with Aphrodite while professing to be sailing the Minnow is a breaking point. The lawyer asks for the financial status of both of you. You both earn roughly the same money but the asset piece is another story.

                                                      Value                 Debt                  Net

House in Pennsylvania            600,000            200,000              $400,000

401K His                                      170,000              20,000               150,000

401K Hers                                    350,000                 0                     350,000

S.S. Minnow                                  65,000              60,000                 5,000

His 2021 Mecedes AMG              65,000              45,000                20,000

Her 2021 Hyundair Sonata        25,000                 0                     25,000

His Savings                                                   5,000                              5,000

Her Savings                                                20,000                            20,000

Note; roughly equal incomes and let’s call that $125,000 a year each. That’s gonna look like a 50/50 split of the pie. Courts typically look at retirement assets and non retirement as different pots. The retirement pot combines to $500,000; so each of you will leave with $250,000. How is that done? On a tax free basis, you will have to take $100,000 out of your retirement and send it over to his. But wait. He could have saved as much as you did. He just spent it on automotive, maritime or sartorial “stuff.”

If you are already feeling the pain, understand that the anesthesia is just wearing off. Your non retirement assets sum to $475,000. That’s going to split evenly as well but the sticking point is going to be the house. You like your house. You bought it 15 years ago with a 4.25% mortgage. You have no interest in living in your Sonata or on that wretched boat. He should be the one to move, right?

Let’s have it your way. You have $45,000 in savings and equity in your car. He has $5,000 in savings; $5,000 in boat value and $20,000 in his fancy car. Ignore the house and you will owe him half the difference between $30,000 (his stuff) and $45,000 (your stuff). You’ll need to come up with $7,500 to help him get over life where his needs include a Mercedes and a boat.

Now, the house. Some jurisdictions factor in a cost of sale; some do not. Let’s make it simple and keep the sales commission and transfer tax out because they are not due until someone sells the place. The equity is $400,000. You will owe him $200,000 to keep the place. To pay that you will need a non deductible home equity loan. And today that borrow on a 15 year basis is going to cost you 6.5%. The house you now occupy with a 4.5% fixed thirty year loan is now about to cost you another $1,750 a month for the next 15 years. That’s $200,000 for Mr. Formerly Right and $114,000 to the bank which will underwrite your purchase of Mr. F.R.’s equity in that house.

You had protected yourself by keeping your accounts separate. You had lived modestly and saved when he had to have life’s better things. Meanwhile, he is driving off in a car that goes from 0-60 in four seconds, a 25 foot Sea Ray, $100,000 of the money you put away for your retirement and $207,500 of cash. Perhaps you could help him load that gold in his trunk, except that you don’t get much trunk with a Mercedes sports car.

Again, you never signed up for his car, his boat or the woman who has “rocked the boat.” You counseled him to max his retirement. Alas, you signed up for him and all that he bought or brought during your marriage. Looking back what needed was a marital agreement that said in so many words: “Love you. Enjoy you. But we are keeping our estates separate and release any claims except for assets or debt we acquire in joint names. Until death or Aphrodite cause us to part.”

Our caption’s use of the word “armegeddon” may employ too strong a word. This fact pattern is not good versus evil. We have enountered cases where lifestyle of one spouse has triggered hundreds of thousands in debt or where tax returns have not been filed for years. That’s not this fact pattern. But it is vexing to work hard towards one set of financial outcomes to find those goals crushed by a spouse who liked to live differently. If you are in such a relationship, you should sit down with a lawyer and talk it through. No one can make you initiate a divorce. That is not to say that you should not be considering one.