Happy Independence Day, friends! For those of you who don’t celebrate, fuck you. This is a joyous day for celebrating everything American!
But I must confess, I’m concerned about a lot of my American friends today. It seems there’s a lot of people who don’t think America is great. They’re not proud of this country and they don’t think there’s anything good or redeeming about it.
Fuck that. This is the greatest goddamn country in the world. There’s no place better and I’m going to give you a list of reasons why.
- Lists. Lists are unique parts of the American experience. Don’t believe me? What do you think the Declaration of Independence is? A list of all the ways Britain fucked up, that’s what.
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Hamburgers and hot dogs. We’re going eat a shit ton today as Americans. And before you come at me in the comments with the alleged ethnic orientations of these dishes, piss off! We culturally appropriated these foods. They’re American now.
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The song “Real American” by Rick Derringer. It’s epic, it was Hulk Hogan’s music for years and it just makes one hyped to be American.
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The First Amendment. It’s wonderful to be able to express myself as an American. I can say Tom Homan looks like a mongoloid, for example. I can call Chuck Schumer an asshat who loves Palestine more than Jewish Americans. And I can point out that Lindsey Graham is a flaming [Ed. Note: Rhymes with Cuomo]. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
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Fireworks. We can blow shit up to celebrate America!
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Nascar. A sport based on moonshiners tricking out cars to beat the Feds. What’s more American than that?
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Reality TV. We have a bunch of it in America, hell we invented it and exported it all over the world. Our reality TV industry in this country basically monetized people making bad decisions for our amusement!
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Westerns. The epitome of American manliness! We gave the world Deadwood, The Magnificent Seven and The Rifleman.* And let’s not forget about John Wayne! That man shit patriotism and pissed American values!
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Ford trucks. They’re a southern staple and they always seem to be working. Because they’re American and that’s what we do. We persist and we work.
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We have the freedom to be lazy if we want. Do you want to do stuff? Great. You can do that in America. Want to be a lazy shit? You can do that too. Have you seen the obesity rates in this country?
There you go. Irrefutable evidence this is the best country on the planet. You’re welcome. Now go do us a solid and blow shit up to celebrate today!
See you next week, everyone!
*Ed. Note: And never forget Chuck Connors in Branded.