I don’t know who Jelly Roll is, but my news feed thought him important a month ago when it published that his marriage to Bunnie Xo was ruptured with a divorce filing.
This weekend I learned that Mr. Roll might have interest in resuming the “role” of husband to Ms. Xo.
This is a recent and evolving trend in divorce world. My days of practice began in the age of the film War of the Roses (20th C, Fox 1989). How could you tell if your neighbors had separated? Husband’s belongings would be on the front lawn of the house. Separation was loud, ugly and permanent. Friends and family were encouraged to take sides.
Today, perhaps because we live in a more isolated world, couples are separating only to find that after a few weeks or months that their marriage may warrant a second look. There is nothing wrong with that at all, but if the divorce started with a bang there can be some awkward moments. What typically occurs is that each side runs to family for support. Families typically respond with heavy artillery, disparaging the unworthy spouse and telling him/her what thoughts they have secretly withheld for years about their character, intellect, responsibilities as a parent. Insults are dropped like carpet bombing.
A reconciliation really messes with that. You finally let your son-in-law know what you have thought about him since Day 1. It felt so justified and fulfilling. He responded coarsely and indicated the feelings were reciprocated. At least you won’t have to endure his ill-mannered ignorance again let alone his penchant for leaving wet towels on the floor of your house down the shore. Good riddance!
Now it’s August and the tradition is for all the kids and grandkids to assemble in Ocean City for an end of summer tribal reunion. Your loving daughters calls to sheepishly ask if the SIL can join her and the kids “like old times.” It turns out that she and the SOB who was soon to be your ex-SIL have been “talking.” Maybe things can be patched up.
WHAT!?! You just fired every expletive filled missile in your arsenal of anger at that guy. You fronted the lawyer’s retainer to evict him from your daughter’s life and yours. Meanwhile, he has somehow cut through the barb wire of your kid’s heart and wants to re-occupy your shore house as a guest for Labor Day. Good grief, Mr. Wet-towel is back. And neither you nor he will ever forget the insults that were so freely traded just a few months ago.
Friends and neighbors are not immune from this either. They take the “villain” bait when the separation first occurs often to find the narrative slowly changes. We are evolving into a world where it seems OK to just say “It’s not working out” instead of the mantras born of “She perpetrator, I victim.”
The stigma associated with revelations of infidelity, drug abuse, prodigal spending or abusive behavior lingers forever. It used to be you could dismiss some of this as a rumor and not your accusation. Alas, today, Facebook and other social media record and preserve these allegations. Redaction efforts only make the accuser appear weak or dissembling. Friends don’t know what to believe and family members are often angry because they fired their anger weapons in support of the cause only to find out that the “cause” is being abandoned.
The takeaway is that the best way to walk back a separation or divorce filing is to keep your pain to yourself. Hollywood types often do this well. “After careful reflection, Jelly Roll and I have decided to separate. We hope this change affect our friendships as little as possible.” Yes, people are curious. But that curiosity rarely extends much beyond the first month or so. As for family they may merit full disclosure but that needs to be tempered by a warning that grandkids, aunts, uncles and cousins all need to minimize rather than amplify the conflict.
We should add that divorce filings can always be withdrawn by mutual consent. There are times when a complaint in divorce is the only effective means to garner the attention of an “outta control” spouse. Your lawyer will understand if you reverse course. As we noted at the outset, clients seem adept at starting a divorce. They often get lost midway through the process and seem to lose interest for a time.