Dear Democrats in Maine:
Look, we can’t sugar coat things. You guys have a problem right now, and I want to help you fix it. With Graham Planter out of the Senate race now, y’all need to find someone on the double quick to take his spot challenging Susan Collins.
Allow me to throw my name into the ring for consideration.
Now I do have some drawbacks for the spot. For one, I don’t live in Maine. Second, the one thing I really care about in Maine are lobster rolls. I do love me some lobster rolls.
However, I do have several qualifications that make me a very good pick for your next Senator.
For one, I don’t have any Nazi-related tattoos. Do I have tattoos? Yes I do. None of them are Nazi imagery or even Nazi-adjacent, however. Not a single one are in the range of anything German or World War 2 related, so you’re good on there.
Second, I have never sexted a woman in my life. I believe in privacy and keeping pictures of my dick off the internet. So I just don’t engage in that sort of behavior. It’s not befitting someone who’s working to become a public servant, you know?
For that matter I’ve never once been accused of sexual assault by any woman I’ve slept with. I know that’s gotta count for something, right? Every sexual encounter I’ve ever had has been completely consensual. And they’ve all been with one woman at a time, too—I have no history of threesomes or drunken orgies.
You could almost say I’m boring! And there’s nothing wrong with that!
Also I’m happily married with two kids. I work in the private sector, so I know what it’s like to run a business.
Now I know you guys want someone to say all the right things, so here goes: Black lives matter, trans rights are human rights, free Palestine, and Donald Trump sucks donkey dicks for Putin. There. That covered everything, right? If not send me ten thousand bucks in an envelope and include what position I’m supposed to hold today. You’ll find out I learn fast!
Yes, it might sting that I’m a Tennessee boy who really doesn’t give a shit about Maine’s politics. And I think Susan Collins is pretty milquetoast as far as Republicans go—she votes with Democrats a hell of a lot more than most folks think she should.
But let’s be realistic: Beggars can’t be choosers, and right now beating Susan Collins is more important than finding someone who ticks all the right ideological boxes.
And I’ve never sexually assaulted anyone, I don’t have a Kick account, and I’ve never entertained the thought of getting a Nazi tattoo.
So here’s my proposal: You guys give me ten million bucks and all the lobster rolls I can eat. I will do the absolute bare minimum and repeat all the talking points you guys give me. I’ll vote how you want and I’ll even tell Donald Trump and Susan Collins to go fuck themselves on command.
I know that’s not what you really want, but at least I’m not Mr. Nazi McRapeypants, you know?
Think it over.
Your Pal,
—CLS