The title sounds a bit too conspiratorial. But let’s assume you have been married for 5-10-15 years or more. You and your spouse now “know” each other but there are always dark corners in relationships where you don’t agree or don’t really understand what is going on. Meanwhile, the clock of life keeps ticking and as you age you discover there are fewer years to “recover” from bad decisions ranging from smoking to financial planning. And many of us assume it will all turn out fine without ever asking hard questions.
At some point it would be wise to take out a pad of paper and label some topics. Marriage; how is it? Emotionally, sexually, friends & family. Kids: are you and your spouse on the same page (or chapter at least) in terms of how to raise them and how you will get them to adulthood? Where are the disagreements? Career and money management. Again, are you on the same page/chapter? When will you retire and what is the plan to fund it? Can you identify what it is you own and what it is worth? Do you know what your household income is and how much goes out the door each month? General: what changes would you make if you “ruled” the relationship? And, more provocatively, what would your spouse list if he or she “ruled.”
If you finish this exercise with a sense of peace and satisfaction all is fairly well. But if this process riddles you with fear and anxiety, you and your notepad need to get some objective help. A recent article in En Pareja kind of maps it out. If the anxiety is relationship or child rearing based, set aside some cash from the ATM and sit down privately with a mental health counselor to talk it through. Do this alone first so that you can test whether your anxiety is focused and reality based. If the problems seem far more serious, that cash may need to find a lawyer to discuss options. Be clear, that you are the only person who decides if that conversation graduates to a “representation.”
A common lament I heard in my office was: “I wish I had started this 10 years ago.” What all of us tend to do is defer or ignore things that really bother us. We become conflict avoidant and compromise where we don’t want to “keep the peace.” That may be a sensible solution if it is an informed decision. But if you don’t invest in becoming informed, you may be wobbling toward disaster.
Here’s the article:
One thing I would not recommend. Be cautious about sharing too much information with trusted friends and family. They tend to side with you too easily and there is always the matter of your confidentiality being misplaced.