“I went to war for what we had; you never even laced up your boots.” – N.R. Shepherd
You spent years trying to turn your relationship into the type of partnership that you had hoped for – one where you (always) had each other’s backs, celebrated one another’s “whole” selves, enjoyed moments of playfulness and shared intimacy. You wholeheartedly invested your time, money, energy, and other resources to make it work. You were selfless. You were hopeful. You trusted the sacrifices were worth it because you believed in the future you were creating and the commitment that comes with marriage.
Unfortunately, you were wrong. It ended. It’s not fair. And, it just plain sucks.
What do you do after a dead-end relationship? Before you make any serious life adjustments, it’s important to find yourself again. Carve out some time to rediscover what makes you, you. After you reconnect with who you are, you can make positive choices to move forward on your path.
Following are five tips to help you rediscover yourself in the wake of a breakup.
Look Backward. Sometimes, before you can move forward, you have to take a few trips down Memory Lane. If it’s not too painful, consider the beginning of your relationship. Who were you then? What kinds of things did you do as a couple back when the world was your oyster? What was it about your ex that you fell in love with? And what can this information tell you about yourself?
Beyond your relationship, think about the person you were before you met your ex. Now is a good time to reach out and connect with some of those old friends you haven’t seen in years. Share some memories and some laughs. Let others remind you of who you’ve been, and who you might still be.
If it feels right, dive even deeper. What were your dreams when you were a child? How did you play, and what did you pretend? Think about awards you won and your favorite classes in school. What were your hobbies and what did you find joy doing? Do any of those things still spark something inside you?
Indulge in Fun Stuff. While it’s important to indulge the grief process and nurse a broken heart, it’s also important to enjoy life where you can. And the simple act of having fun can put you in touch with another, perhaps long-lost, part of yourself.
The word “fun” means different things to different people, so consider what it means to you. Then enlist some friends to embark on entertaining adventures. You might attend a concert or create your own jam session. You might also opt for a movie marathon, playing your favorite sport, or hiking a new trail.
If you’re having trouble finding others to engage in your preferred activity, check out local groups on Meetup.com or other local listings. You might even find a social group specifically for those who are newly single.
Get Uncomfortable. While you were in your relationship, you probably settled into a comfortable routine. You spent your time with the same group of people doing the same types of things. You might have enjoyed this routine because it felt normal and safe. But, as they say, “life happens outside your comfort zone.”
As part of your quest to rediscover yourself, it’s a good idea to challenge yourself a bit. You don’t have to do anything you’d consider insane (unless you really want to), but venturing outside your standard circle will help to expand your horizons. Furthermore, personal discomfort helps you learn more about yourself and your values. You might fall in love with a new hobby. Or you might determine that skydiving is not for you. In either case, you will have learned and grown from the experience.
Related: Worksheet: Designing a Self-Care Plan (That You’ll Actually Follow)
Spend Sacred Time Alone. They keyword here is “sacred.” It’s easy to spend time alone, whether you’re crying, sleeping, worrying, or cleaning your house. But those activities, while they might be useful and necessary, won’t directly help you get in touch with yourself. Choose your sacred time wisely, and use it to help you find your center or your direction. Maybe it’s reading a travel magazine that reinvigorates your love for adventure. Maybe it’s heading out to the coffee shop for 15 minutes to people watch after a yoga class. It doesn’t have to be a lot of time – you just need to commit to consistently making some time for you.
One good way to spend your solo time is by engaging in a meditation practice. Even just a few minutes a day can help you calm down and stay calm when life throws you those undesired and undeserved curveballs. An app like Headspace can help you get into the ‘zone’ without having to leave your home or pay for a class.
If you enjoy writing or illustrating, buy yourself a beautiful journal and spend some time each day writing down your thoughts, feelings, needs and inner-most desires. Another option is to draw or paint something that comes from your heart.
One more option is to create a vision board for your life. Collect old magazines and mindfully flip through them. If you see an image that speaks to you, tear it out. You might choose pictures of homes you love, words of intention, things you want to do, or places you want to visit. Then organize your images and paste them on a large poster board. Hang your vision board somewhere that you’ll see it every day. The images will remind you of who you are and what you want to see in your future. These daily reminders will help you take meaningful action toward creating a life you love.
One more way to spend sacred time alone, and this is a big one, is to take a solo vacation. I know the idea might seem like a daunting task, but you’ll find the time away from your everyday life will give you the chance to decompress and relax into all of your glorious you-ness. Go where you want to go and do what you want to do (even if it’s just sitting in the hotel room and enjoying the view). And once you find your sacred connection to yourself, you might never want to vacation with others again.
Related: Guest Blog: Laura Aiello, The Divorce Strategist, on Self-Care During Divorce
Obtain Professional Assistance. It’s easy for an outsider to look at a divorce as a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow. But for the person enduring the separation, the process can be excruciatingly painful. After all, life as you knew it is over and your foundation has been shaken to the core. It’s natural to grieve, and healthy healing takes time. If you feel stuck, there’s no shame in asking for assistance.
Is depression or sleeplessness getting the better of you? If so, talk to your doctor. You might benefit from some nutritional counseling or temporary medication to help you function in your day-to-day life as you grow stronger and dip your toes into the tips listed above.
If you know that you’re carrying around some emotional baggage (or can’t seem to shake those negative self-loathing thoughts), schedule an appointment with a therapist. Therapy can help you heal old wounds and be extremely empowering as you develop a deeper understanding of yourself and prepare to make more appropriate choices as you shape your future.
Are you ready to move on, but you’re not sure how? A coach can help. Coaching is a directional process that will help you get clear on your values, intentions and goals. A coach will then work with you to create a plan to help you move forward on your terms, according to your vision.
In addition to those listed above, there are a multitude of other professionals available to you as you move through this process and rediscover yourself. Depending on your goals, you might experiment with energy work, hire a personal trainer, or spend some time with a financial planner.
The journey from “we” to “me” can be a difficult one. But if you remain open to possibilities, you can have fun and learn a lot along the way. As you reconnect with yourself, you also become a better version of You.